East Hollywood Blues

A Diary Of Life Among Millennials

Tag: Hipster

The New Rolling Pin

November 30, 2017 /

Two hipsters of unknown but relatively recent vintage wearing beards that would impress your average Hasid were discussing online dating next to me on the train as I made my way to work in the Steakhouse.

Hipster #1 – So I told my boss I needed Saturday nights off so I could meet girls.

Hipster #2 – You don’t need to take a day off. You need to play World of Warcraft dog.

Hipster #1 – Really.

Hipster #2 – Really dude. That’s how I met my chick. We just started talking then I decided to drive to West Virginia to get her. I got there and was like ‘bitch you’re with me now.’

Hipster #1 – And now she’s in L.A. dog.

Hipster #2 – She lives in my room dude.

World of Warcraft is the new rolling pin.

Bad Tweed Dude

August 12, 2017 /

My pal Josh pulls up to the corner as I cross the street and says “I brake for you.” As he drives off I yell back at him “thanks for braking for the old guy.” I turn on my heel and skip left to avoid a miserable looking Millennial/hipster gal walking home. I get 10 feet down the sidewalk and this Jack Jeebs (from Men In Black) looking Millenial/hipster type with a close cropped beard, John Lennon specs, a flag tweed brown vest and mismatched gray tweed sport coat with arm patches, holding four plastic gallons of water and a Von’s reusable grocery bag says “what did you say to my girl?”

 Me: I was talking to my friend in the Camaro.

I keep walking along. He steps behind me.

 Bad Tweed Dude: I said what did you say to my girl.

 Me: Nothing.

 Bad Tweed Dude: Listen man watch it. I’ve got plastic water bottles.

 Me: Look tough guy go inside and play video games.

 I keep walking because if I turn around I will drop him on his about to win a Darwin Award tuches but he needs the last word.

 Bad Tweed Guy: How did you know what I was going to do.

 I hope I validated his feelings.

The Messiah Will Be Clean Shaven

June 8, 2017 /

 

As I was crossing Beverly to get my morning coffee in a gray hoodie, cargo shorts and sunglasses an elderly Latina lady in a white blouse and blue jeans grabbed my elbow and told me I was the Messiah come again to save the world. She kissed my hand then walked down Kenmore Ave followed by two Millennial hipster types with long ZZ Top in ten years auburn beards wearing identical blue and gray shirts.

“He does look like the Messiah, doesn’t he,” he breathlessly agreed with her.

It seems the rules have changed. From now on, the Second Coming in hipster millennial circles will be clean shaven. I guess DeLillo was right. When it comes to facial hair don’t bother. Show them the bland expanse. It is more effective than one would think.

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